by: Cucan Pemo Publishing
Not many people know about the hidden power struggles thatcan occur in a relationship or marriage. This article isabout a hidden powerstruggle known as rhythms. Every personhas their own unique rhythm whether that is how they eat,sleep, work, relax, or even think and breathe. However, in our society, we have been taught to assume toeveryone is alike, or that there is a specific way thateveryone needs to go about their day in order to strive andbe successful. This can cause a powerstruggle in arelationship in two ways.1) Each partner will think that the other person has thesame rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things thesame way as them they are either doing things wrong orintentially trying to resist them.2) If the partners are trying to copy the other person’srhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest.They will not be “productive” or be in a healthy lifestylefor the individual, which leads to powerstruggles anyway.This article is to bring attention to some of the less wellknown types of rhythms in a relationship. Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm.In our work, we teach individuals and couples somethingsimilar called workstyles which are ways how people like tocarry out their work or activities such as Guideline peoplewho need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day orEmployee people who like to go by other peoples rules for acertain portion of the day, then the rest of the time theygo by their own rules. For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my LifePartner (who is also the Director/Counsellor for the LifeManagement Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author ofLove by Design) and myself as an example. When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likesto do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstopwithout any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the otherhand, although having an Employee Workstyle, while I amactually working for or with the other person, like to workfor a while, take a break, work for a while, take a breaketc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was anunconscious powerstruggle, mostly felt by me because Icouldn’t keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if wehad been out shopping or in public, I would have to haverest and recoup before I could charge into the next task athand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Robwould feel my resistance.That didn’t last for long though, as soon as I recognizedthat my rhythm was different than Rob’s, I brought it to hisattention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than hisand he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so Ican rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. Thegood news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as longas I kept true to myself and my rhythm.Another example of a rhythm is that people have differentspeech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come into see him once, were the couple was having a communicationproblem. The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked veryslowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut himoff, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended bybeing interrupted all the time and the wife always felt likethey weren’t getting anywhere in their communication. Wouldyou believe the powerstruggle was there simply because theyweren’t aware that they had different speaking rhythms? Assoon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how tounderstand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to theirrhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife,especially learned to be aware of the husband’s pause, andthat the pause didn’t mean he was finished talking.There are many other types of rhythms out there that will beunique to you and to you partner. Your assignment, if youchoose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If youever feel like you are in resistance to your partner, suchas feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig yourheels in, be on the “look out” and “feel out” for apotential rhythm that may be different. Next, bring you partner into awareness, then accept, andappreciate both your partner’s and your own unique rhythms.With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you willfind that not only will the resistance fade away, both ofyour fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacityin all areas of your lives.
Not many people know about the hidden power struggles thatcan occur in a relationship or marriage. This article isabout a hidden powerstruggle known as rhythms. Every personhas their own unique rhythm whether that is how they eat,sleep, work, relax, or even think and breathe. However, in our society, we have been taught to assume toeveryone is alike, or that there is a specific way thateveryone needs to go about their day in order to strive andbe successful. This can cause a powerstruggle in arelationship in two ways.1) Each partner will think that the other person has thesame rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things thesame way as them they are either doing things wrong orintentially trying to resist them.2) If the partners are trying to copy the other person’srhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest.They will not be “productive” or be in a healthy lifestylefor the individual, which leads to powerstruggles anyway.This article is to bring attention to some of the less wellknown types of rhythms in a relationship. Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm.In our work, we teach individuals and couples somethingsimilar called workstyles which are ways how people like tocarry out their work or activities such as Guideline peoplewho need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day orEmployee people who like to go by other peoples rules for acertain portion of the day, then the rest of the time theygo by their own rules. For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my LifePartner (who is also the Director/Counsellor for the LifeManagement Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author ofLove by Design) and myself as an example. When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likesto do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstopwithout any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the otherhand, although having an Employee Workstyle, while I amactually working for or with the other person, like to workfor a while, take a break, work for a while, take a breaketc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was anunconscious powerstruggle, mostly felt by me because Icouldn’t keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if wehad been out shopping or in public, I would have to haverest and recoup before I could charge into the next task athand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Robwould feel my resistance.That didn’t last for long though, as soon as I recognizedthat my rhythm was different than Rob’s, I brought it to hisattention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than hisand he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so Ican rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. Thegood news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as longas I kept true to myself and my rhythm.Another example of a rhythm is that people have differentspeech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come into see him once, were the couple was having a communicationproblem. The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked veryslowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut himoff, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended bybeing interrupted all the time and the wife always felt likethey weren’t getting anywhere in their communication. Wouldyou believe the powerstruggle was there simply because theyweren’t aware that they had different speaking rhythms? Assoon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how tounderstand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to theirrhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife,especially learned to be aware of the husband’s pause, andthat the pause didn’t mean he was finished talking.There are many other types of rhythms out there that will beunique to you and to you partner. Your assignment, if youchoose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If youever feel like you are in resistance to your partner, suchas feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig yourheels in, be on the “look out” and “feel out” for apotential rhythm that may be different. Next, bring you partner into awareness, then accept, andappreciate both your partner’s and your own unique rhythms.With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you willfind that not only will the resistance fade away, both ofyour fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacityin all areas of your lives.
